


Pets my pepperonis

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-18
Updated: 2010-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:19:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3501524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do you folks like craaaack?  Crack from the... depths of my braaain?  Oops, wrong character.  But yeah, Toki has a temperamental magic sandwich.<br/>Warning: bad puns</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pets my pepperonis

“Skwisgaar, I needs you to come and pets my pepperonis.”  
Skwisgaar, who had been enjoying a nice drink, suddenly choked and sprayed alcohol all over his guitar. Good thing it was waterproof. “What de _fucks_ Toki, you can’t just be walkings in here and saysing dat!”  
“Well I’s been trying for hours, but my fingers just aren’ts good enoughs! I needs yous help!”  
Luckily there was no one else in the room to hear this, but that could change at any minute. “Please shuts up, rights now.”

Toki came over and leaned close. “I needs you to come and pets my pepperonis NOW!”  
Clearly he wasn’t going to shut up or go away. Well if that’s what it took to get a little peace, fine, he’d do it. Besides, how long could it take? “Okays, where?”   
Skwisgaar was practically launched from his seat on the couch. Before he could fully even get his balance, Toki was dragging him down the hall.

At his room, Toki cracked the door and peeked in. Then he quickly yanked it open, jumping through and hauling Skwisgaar after him, slamming the door behind them.  
Skwisgaar thought this was a bit rude, but whatever. He dropped his pants.  
Toki turned, looking at him in confusion. “Why’s you takes your pants off?”  
“But you says-“  
“I tells you I needs you to _pets my pepperonis_!” He pointed to his desk, where a sandwich was sitting under the lamp.

Having no idea what was going on (but it didn’t look like he was getting laid), Skwisgaar pulled his pants back up and went over to the desk.  
It was one of those- what was it called?- oh, a sub sandwich. Yes, with some kind of sausage (quite possible pepperoni) on it.  
But why would a sandwich need to be petted? “Toki, ams you high?”  
“It’s a magic fuckings sandwich, and it will flies if you pets it right! But I tried, it doesn’t likes me! _YOU_ PETS IT!”

“Fines, I will pets it. Ams just a stupids sandwich anyway.” He reached out and ran his fingers lightly over the cold greasy meat.  
The sandwich _twitched_ , causing Skwisgaar to leap back in alarm. “It moveds!”  
“No shits.” Toki was sulking, it had refused to do anything at all for him. “Keeps pettings it!”  
With a shrug (it was just a sandwich, something he’d held many times before), Skwisgaar obeyed. So Toki couldn’t do this...

As highly talented fingers skimmed over it, the sandwich slowly rose from the desktop. “Uh, Toki..?”  
Toki didn’t answer, he was watching transfixed.  
Suddenly the sandwich took off, circling the room a few times. It even did a few loops, weaving among the hanging models.  
Then it slowed and drifted back to sit beside Skwisgaar’s hand.  
He moved away nervously, but the damn sandwich scooted over, following him.

He backed away from the desk, but it lifted off again and hovered in front of his new location. “Toki, why ams it followings me?!”  
Toki rolled his eyes. “Because you pets it, dildos.”  
“I don’ts understands! Tells me why it ams followings me!”  
That should have been obvious, but Toki answered anyway. “If you pets the pepperonis right, you can makes it comes.”


End file.
